My Face Will Be on Buses BABEE

Ten things I'm gonna do to get on "Idol".

10 Show up in my bikini. Make out with Paula with enthusiasm.

9 Bring my family. My family of one member from every ruthless gang in my prison.

8 Act confused when rejected and claim I thought I was trying out for Hells Kitchen.

7 Tell them Kurt Cobain sent me.

6 Yell, "WHO ARE YOU GONNA BELIEVE? ME OR YOUR LYING EARS BITCH."

5 Show off my ability to sing like a rock star and puke at the same time, saving myself a step.*

4 Collapse limp so they cannot haul my no talent ass away.

3 Punch out Seacrest for my golden ticket.

2 Bring my back up dancers. Train feral cats a few steps first.

1 Show judges handmade tabloid of me and the Rock's illicit affair.


I will not beg. I have my pride eh.

I'd Call it Rapids Myself

There is nothing peaceful about Stillwater. As a matter of fact, nothing ever good came of Stillwater.Old school bricks, and bars, and rifles. Only thing still about it is the people that spend a life time there.
And with today's budget cuts, I wonder if I want to step up to that plate.

Messages in the Sand

Dear Fire Dancer,
You need someone the rub fire retardant on your body before shows. I am that person.
I am very good at circles.

Messages in the Sand

Dear Fire Dancer,
I have my creme brulle torch at the ready and have been practicing tribal tattooing.
You remember me right? I was the only woman there smart enough to throw you my room keys. Sorry the pineapple I shoved them in hit you in the grunion. When you send for me I will bring salve.

Messages in the Sand

Dear Fire Dancer,
So I lit my Bic and waved it over my head during your performance like a 1987 concert goer. I wasn't trying to outshine your dazzle. I was showing appreciation. Write me back. Seriously.

Messages in the Sand

Dear Fire Dancer,
You gotta admit you felt "our" sparks. I did. And it wasn't just the third degree sunburn I'm talkin. You still got my room keys er address. Get ahold of me.

Dried Grass is Trouble

At first you will just blame it on the jet lag, but eventually you will have to admit yourself have a situation in your basement. Your teenager often spent extended periods of time down there, but you will soon realise you haven't laid eyes on him now in weeks.
Then one afternoon on you day off, while chopping okra for the effete, you will think you just heard a soft giggle over the sound of your knife.
"Son?", you will call. "That you down there?" He will just dodge your question and ask what is for dinner. You will forget your query and yell, "Effete". "No, I'm not mom, why can't you just leave me alone!!", will come his agitated answer.
Shacking your head remembering how difficult it was when the boy had gone through adolescence, and praying he is not having some sort of hormonal relapsed, you ignore the out burst and decide to chop the jalapenos and onions next as it easier than arguing with family.
Later, he will not come up for dinner, claiming to dislike his once favorite spicy dish, asking for fresh fruit instead. This will become his habit.
You will soon began hearing pulsating drum music in your dreams.
Then one night you will wake, disturbed by your dreams of drums and swaying palms and leave your upper level bedroom for the glass of salt water you crave.
On the ground floor as you turn on the stairs in time to catch the swish of a skirt in your peripheral vision and distracted you will run smack into your startled basement dwelling son. You hardly recognize him. He is quite pale, skinny and his eyes dilated. Your baby resembles an dishevelled anorexic owl.
A normal mom would call rehab immediately.
You on the other hand march straight to the basement door and beller, "HULA GIRLS GET OUT OF MY BASEMENT!"
You turn the scantily clad girls out into the cold only after bulking them up on a nice potato and cheese laced hotdish and congratulate yourself on your parenting skills.
Your son on the other hand never speaks to you again.

Little Bits of Island Heaven

I splashed behind the shark as he glided along the reef glad my goggles were optically corrective so I could see the danger I told my baby did not exist in the water.


*had no camera at the time so using this pic taken in the aquaratorium

Little Bits of Island Heaven

On Christmas day I fell in love at a luau with a fire dancer half my age and shot passion fruit shaved ice through my nose.
Gecko's are half as fast as they used to be, and sunsets twice as quick.

Little Bits of Island Heaven

Today I stopped combing my hair and fed my lunch to wharf cats.
They are better groomed and have more purpose in life than me.

Little Bits Of Island Heaven

Today I swam nakid in a blue lagoon and ate a 14.00 hamburger off the back of some dude's truck.

And I screamed off the top of a mountain.










* there is no internet access in the condo too down load pics and I can only post sporadically when soberish

Little Bits of Island Heaven

I had Kahlua in my breakfast coffee and drank my lunch out of a pineapple.
I tried to cut across a church parking lot with a drink in my hand but God wouldn't let me.

Little Bits of Island Heaven

I have sand in my creaveses.
Sand not snow.

Swimming With Anvils

I dread people.
I abhor their foibles.
I feel forced to labor under their misconceptions of me.
I count seconds while they're talking.
I am repelled by their notions.
Being popular or the life of the party would be a sentence unendurable.

There is no measure by which I can express my preference for a cats purr over the embrace of a stranger.
People frequently interrupt my happiest moments to observe that I'm sulking.

Animated hosts who take me by the arm to "do the rounds" make me feel like Frankenstein in a black dress.

Oh, and if I have to listen to one more story about your trip to Florida with an empty drink in my hand I'm going to eat five pounds of rum balls and inhale the center piece candle light.

MOVE ALONG NOTHING TO SEE HERE

I am on vacation and will not write again until sometime next year unless Maui boars me to words.

Have a wondrous holiday.

So He Said

"Do you ever get tired of doing the same thing over and over he sad?"
"Yes", she answered, "that reminds me of...

Ten Lies I've Told My Kids

You gotta stick with it. Although I personally never kept the same job more than 2 years. Dealing antiques don't count cuz I spent more money collecting things than I ever made.

Wearing your mums warm sheepskin slippers if you are a boy will give you fibromyialga. And that's just painful.

Keith Richards and I are the same age. That's what drugs will do to you.

That secret tubular death punch that will drop you, the one I learned to protect myself with at academy, is just my version of a kick to the groin.

I did not read my sisters collage course books back in high school due to my love of reading and creative way to solve boredom. It was mostly her abnormal psychology book cause of the sex.

I have nothing after the number three. When I get really angry and count at them, I wouldn't know what to do if they made me mad past three. The world will not end, my head will not blow off, and they will not "get it". Don't tell them.

I hate watching any sport that I'm not in. I wish they would take up collecting stamps or gaming on line.

I want them to live in my basement and never move out.

I never got farther than basic math classes. I only passed basic math because of my cleavage and the fact my teacher liked to sit on my desk. For that matter, do not tell the state. The financial board should probably double check the oodles of bucks I manipulate.

I didn't stop inviting Elaine my old long time friend over cuz she lives so far away. She has a big mouth and talks about my naughty bad days. If she ever lets slip about my greenbush days, Ill just die.

So He said

"If that's how you are, I'm ok with it," he said, "I could have two moms, fat mom and skinny mom."
"Shut up, only if you call me skinny mom", she replied promising herself to look longer at Brad Pitt when she had too.

So He Said

"Oh that was the alarm going off", he said when he eventually reached her "I thought it was the birds from where I was."
At least that is what the newly deafened girl waiting in the door guessed the grinning rookie the inmates rounded up said as he finally shut the system off and watch her drive away.

So He Said

"Everyone looks fat", he said stepping back to take the heftys in.
"It's the world be live in today" she answered peering at the screen that used to be her wall without the benefit of glasses.

So He Said

"Ma'am you got a minuet, I need to talk to you ", he said standing in line with the other men out side her door.
The girl knew he really had nothing to say but he needed a mother, a sister, a wife, or a daughter on Thanksgiving so on that day she would listen.